im so sorry for not being who you wanted.
part of your world
it’s a little confusing why i feel so overcome with sadness
we didn’t talk for long. we weren’t in love.
you didn’t even care about me in the final days.
but i’m so incredibly hung up on those few magical days and conversations.
those hours we spent so close
i really was convinced i’d get you back.
not a text back saying you were dead
I’m listening to music again.
Not just that one song on repeat.
And I’m dancing a little.
I only cry when people ask me about it.
So yeah. Things are getting back to…normal?
To a place I’ve never really been in.
To a place in which things stayed the way they were on that beach.
And I’m just waiting for your next text to whisk me away.
I’m just a text away..
You’re still with me. You never left.
i have used this website the most when i have felt the most alone.
so here i am.
watched garden state and juno two days ago. and i thought a little bit about how much i wanted to be the girl in garden state for someone else. be that wacky girl with a different kind of charisma and energy. that light for a dry human being. a dry character-less male. and up until two years ago i think i was living that persona. i was that girl for at least three people i can think of right now. three people with average personalities. not much exciting about them. except, EXCEPT for their caring hearts. this qualification was my utmost priority, a guarantee that i would be loved..would be valued and thought of as out of this world
the thing is… this idea of the garden state girl, 500 days of summer girl, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind girl. it is all about being a certain way yourself without any need for the male. with or without the male you would be like that. which is nice. but then how much does the male even matter. once you start getting honest with yourself, you realize that this guy is so irreplaceable, so mediocre. the only thing you need him for is comfort. for the company. and that my friends is not a relationship.
thank you. thank you for making me realize how much i wasn’t living. i didn’t deserve you
i can’t concentrate on anything except finding out more about you.
i’m going through a lot right now. i’m going to be posting a lot of stuff here because not a lot of judgmental people know me on here and i can actually express my emotions. i need to. i need to get a lot of stuff out. i need to write. you can unfollow me if it becomes too much for you. but i need this.
i keep going back to the picture i put up trying to imagine what you were thinking when you looked at it